《Friends》第一季 1 《Friends》剧本（第一季） 101 The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.] Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with! Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him! Chandler: All right Joey, be nice. So does he have a humpA hump and a hairpiece Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk (They all stare, bemused.) Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh! Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex. Chandler: Sounds like a date to me. [Time Lapse] Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked. All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream. Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there. Joey: Instead of... Chandler: That's right. Joey: Never had that dream. Phoebe: No. Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me. Monica: And they weren't looking at you before! Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me! [Time Lapse, Ross has entered.] Ross: (mortified) Hi. Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself. Monica: Are you okay, sweetie Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck... Chandler: Cookie Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today. Joey: Ohh. Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee. Ross: Thanks. 《Friends》第一季 2 Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.) Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay Phoebe: Fine! Be murky! Ross: I'll be fine, alrightReally, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy. Monica: No you don't. Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me! Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian... Ross: No!! Okay! Why does everyone keep fixating on thatShe didn't know, how should I know Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well. Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren. was what A wrong number Ross: Sorry. Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is (Ross gestures his consent.) Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones! Ross: I don't want to be single, okayI just... I just- I just wanna be married again! (Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.) Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.) Monica: Rachel! Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are! Waitress: Can I get you some coffee Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross Rachel: Hi, sure! Ross: Hi. (They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.) Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for'. (to Monica) So anyway I just 《Friends》第一季 3 didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city. Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding. Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.] Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it. Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad Decide! Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is having. Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me! (The scene on TV has changed to show two women, one is holding her hair.) Phoebe: If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off. Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants. Joey: I say push her down the stairs. Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! (She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.) Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoeWhat if I wanna be a- a purse, y'knowOr a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy! Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble. Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica. Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica... Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!! [Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.] Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things... Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with string. These are a few... Rachel: I'm all better now. Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped! Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'knowIndependence. Taking control of your life. The whole, 'hat' thing. Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot. Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day! Joey: What, like there's a rule or something (The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.) 《Friends》第一季 4 Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrib